The Scurvy Story

THESCURVY STORY (A MUSICAL)

SCENE 1 – INTRO
- Dr. Mengel
- Dr. Eisenstein

MN: (enter from stage left) Dr. Eisenstein! Good day!
EI: (enter from stage right) Hello Dr. Mengel.
MN: Do you know what day it is today?
EI: Yeah it's-
MN: That's right, it's scurvy awareness day!
EI: No it isn-
MN: Ladies and gentlemen, happy world scurvy awareness day!
EI: It's not scurvy awareness day.
MN: But nonetheless we should all be aware of the consequences of scurvy! Dr. Eisenstein, can you tell me what causes scurvy?
EI: Can I tell you? Yes. Will I tell you? No.
MN: Well, that's very rude.
EI: Why are you even asking that question? You know it as well as I-
MN: So the audience can know!
EI: What audience?
MN: Them! (points at crowd)
EI: I don't see anything. You sir, are deliri-
MN: Scurvy is caused by a lack of ascorbic acid, also known as (points to Eisenstein)
EI: *Clears throat*
MN: That's right! Vitamin C!
EI: I have more important things to do, may I take my-
MN: But what is scurvy really? Did you know that scurvy is one of the oldest diseases in the history of humankind?
EI: Of course I do, because-
MN: Now you know! It all started back with Hippo… hippo… hippo…
EI: Hippocrates.
MN: No, that's not right – it was Hippocrates!
EI: But that's exactly what I-
MN: Please, don't interrupt me, I'm in the middle of a lecture. Anyway, where was I?
EI: Hippo-
MN: No, I believe I was talking about scurvy, not hippopotamususes.
EI: It's actually hippopotami.
MN: Nobody asked you. (smiles) Anyway, Hippocrates was the first to observe scurvy as a disease, but
(Eisenstein walks away)
It was in the middle ages where scurvy first became a real problem. Dr. Eisenstein? Would you like to travel back in time with me to 13th Century Normandy? You would? Okay! Let's go!

SCENE 2 – NORMANDY
- Dr. Mengel
- Dr. Eisenstein
- Knight
- Medieval dead female
- Monk
- Villagers
- Witch

(all medieval actors frozen in respective positions)
EI: Mengel why am I here?
MN: Because it's in the script!
EI: I beg your pard-
MN: Welcome to the middle ages, Dr. Eisenstein! The golden age of man!
EI: *looks around* of course.
MN: Where everyone is accused of witchcraft!
(Witch enter stage right, scared.)
MONK: Hark! There beeth the witch! Purgeth her!
(Villagers chase witch to opposite stage; lights out)
(Lights go back on.)
EI: Was that a-
MN: Witch? You bet!
EI: Did we just-
MN: Time travel? You bet!
EI: Will you-
MN: Shut up? No thanks!
(Villagers appear from stage right, screaming 'burn the witch')
EI: Why don't they notice us?
MN: Shhhh something interesting is about to happen.
MONK: (Villagers carry in dead woman and put her on a bed ) Hear ye, goode people of Normandie! Here lyeth the once beautiful Kiera, who fell victim to a dreaded bought of witchcraft brought about by this vile, unholy creature! (Points to witch) Suffereth for her crimes she must!
VILLAGERS: Burn her! Burn her!
MONK: Behold my children! Here approacheth the betrothed of our dear Kiera, Sir Rufus, back from the crusades! Rufus, Rufus, looketh at what horror this witch has broughteth upon us!
RUFUS: (rushes to dead woman) Kiera! What inauspicious event has transpired that has brought you to the door of death?

SONG: E Corrideo Kiera, tune of "Greensleeves"

Alas, my love you do me wrong,
For on this earth you left me
While ye, with so much of life to live
Now dine with Christ and Mary.

Oh my dear maiden Kiera,
God must relieve from me this great grief,
If not for witches or Satan's pow'r,
You'd yet be here beside me.

Rest, rest, now lay down your head
On the hand of Christ as He taketh thee,
My sweetest Kiera,
I shall remember thee fondly.

EI: Well… that was kinda sad.
MN: He's a great singer, too!
EI: (touches knight on the shoulder) Hey man, it was her time to go-
MONK: AAH! Behold! A newe witch! He appeareth from the thin air and he wears strange clothes, surely this is an agent of the dark lord! Burn him too!
(ALL, including Mengel, shout 'burn him'. Lights off, everyone exit quietly except for Mengel, who continues to shout 'burn him' until the lights are back on.)
MN: Burn hi-oh hi there! That was fun. See, in the middle ages, the people of the world knew nothing of true medicine, because illiteracy was widespread, and the only ones who were educated enough to know anything about medicine were monks!
(Monk enters from stage left and gives Mengel a high five while walking to exit stage right.)
MN: Peace!
MONK: And also with you. (as exiting)

SCENE 3 – TORTUGA TAVERN
- Dr. Mengel
- Dr. Eisenstein
- The Pirate Chorus
- Tavern keep

MN: But yet, these holy men could not yet find the source of the disease, so – they blamed it on the devil! It was a good idea at the time, (propsmen begin setting up tavern stage behind Mengel as he speaks) but when people reached the age of enlightenment in the 16th century and onwards, they began to think, surely, the devil can't be responsible for EVERYTHING bad happening in this world. And that's when scientists like James Lind who, by the way was serving aboard a vessel of His Majesty's Royal Navy at the time, experimented with the food consumption of sailors, and thus determined that scurvy came about when a sailor didn't have enough vitamin C – which brings us to the age of pirates!
(Eisenstein enters from left)
MN: Hullo!
EI: You left me there. To burn.
MN: Yeah you look like you can use a little tan. No harm done.
EI: No harm done? I was almost-
(Pirates enter, stage right and sit down at a table. Tavern keep brings them drinks)
MN: Oh look, pirates! C'mon, let's join them.
(Mengel and Eisenstein walk over to pirates' table.)
MN: Hello!
PIRATE 1: Arrr.
MN: Hello!
PIRATE 1: Arrr.
MN: Hello!
PIRATE 1: Arrr.
MN: What'cha got there?
EI: It's ale, you-
PIRATE 1: Nay, this not be ale. This be citrus juice.
EI: I'm sorry what did you say?
PIRATE 1: I said this be citrus juice. And if ye have a problem with that ye can take it up with me bully boys.
(Pirates 2 and 3 get up from their seats)
EI: No, I just assumed that ale was all you drank!
MN: Nope! Pirates have to fight scurvy! And they do that by eating fresh fruit and vegetables! And ingesting lots of vitamin C!
EI: Why are you so happy all the time?
MN: I fell on my head as a child; it gave me superior intelligence and a permanent positive attitude on life!
EI: Say what?
MN: Mr. Pirate, do you suffer from the effects of scurvy?
PIRATE 1: Lad, some things are better sung than said. (gets on top of table)

SONG: Unholy Scurvy, tune: "Garryowen"

It found me so, it did last night
And in the morning yes it was a fright
To find my gums struck down by blight,
Of most unholy scurvy

Let all ye lads be not dismayed
But join with me, each jovial blade
Come, drink and sing and lend your aid
To help me with the chorus:

If only rum were orange juice
This dread disease would not be loose
Our lot are sick I do deduce
Of most unholy scurvy.

(repeat 2x)

I've fought on many a foreign shore,
I've seen my share of blood and war,
But one black foe I do abhor,
And that be bloody scurvy

Chorus

(Mengel applauds. Eisenstein shakes his head. Kill the lights. Pirates exit)
(Lights on)
SCENE 3 – ZUBOV'S CLINIC
- Dr. Mengel
- Dr. Eisenstein
- Dr. Zubov
- Russian Patient
- Thomas Backhouse
MN: Hello! (Propsmen stick a Russian Revolution posters on the wall of the tavern and bring in two chairs and a table with a drawer. In the drawer should be a large potato, a lemon, an onion, and salt.) Scurvy as a disease had been curbed by the discovery of its cause – finally. Eisenstein, can you tell me what that cause is?
EI: I refuse to.
MN: That's right! Lack of vitamin C! People figured out that if they were able to get enough fresh fruits and vegetables, and maybe a few happy thoughts, that they'd be able to stop the spread of the disease! And it worked, for a time. However, a few hundred years later, in the early 20th century, the Russians were having a little problem. They revolted, and no, not the kind of revolting that comes from your sweaty gym socks, I mean the kind of revolting that topples governments. The Russians had removed their emperororor from power, and now the Soviet government was in charge – and guess what! Everyone was poor! Poor, poor, poor. It was the Soviet's idea of a perfect world where everyone was equal. (Footsteps) Hear that? Someone's coming.
(Enter Dr. Zubov and Russian patient, stage right)
MN: See that guy over there? He's a doctor. He sold his lab gown and stethoscope to pay for lunch.
ZUBOV: (Walking into his office, patient behind him) Zdravstvuyitye, tovarishch Sokolov. Pozhalista, pozhalista, sideyt. Chto na rot – krov? Tsk tsk tsk. Nye kharasho. Otrikitiy rot. Aaaa.
(Patient opens his mouth. Doctor looks inside.)
ZUBOV: Ya dayu ustnoe lekarstvo. (gives medicine) Inogda, inogda. Da svedanya tovarishch. Spasiba.
(Patient exit. Zubov gets a plate and puts the food on the table. Englishman Thomas Backhouse enters from stage right.)
ZUBOV: Zdravstvuyitye.
BACKHOUSE: I'm sorry, I don't speak Russian, I'm English.
ZUBOV: Vy angliski? Well, good. I need to practice my English. What brings you to the new Russia mister…?
BACKHOUSE: Backhouse. Thomas Backhouse. I'm actually a journalist you see, covering the events of the revolution? I hear there's been an outbreak of scurvy in the populace.
ZUBOV: You are correct, Mister Beckhass. Comrades all the way from here to factory district at Solechnaya street are unable to exit city because of fighting. We have no fresh food, everything frozen. But, still, there are ways to fight scurvy. Lemon?
BACKHOUSE: Um… thank you. (takes a lemon) How are you supposed to fight scurvy without any fresh food?
ZUBOV: Salt?
BACKHOUSE: I'm sorry?
ZUBOV: Salt – for the lemon.
BACKHOUSE: Um… thank you. (Zubov takes the lemon and stamps it in a pile of salt.)
ZUBOV: You see, lack of ascorbic acid makes body very susceptible to scurvy. To fight it, you must eat foods rich in Vitamin C. What I'm eating right now? They fight good together.
BACKHOUSE: I… see… what do you have there exactly?
ZUBOV: Ah, lemon, salt, potato, onion…
BACKHOUSE: That doesn't sound very appetizing.
ZUBOV: At least I won't die horrible scurvy death like other guy.
BACKHOUSE: But what can you tell me about scurvy?
ZUBOV: One moment. *finishes eating* if you really want to know, let me show you.

SONG: Red Scurvy, tune: Katyusha. (Kill lights when song is over)

What disease is revered as a slayer?
All through Russia, our countrymen all fall
Chooses no one… the aid of the grim reaper!
Now my comrade, teeth will start to fall.

Chooses no one… vy bolshaya bolezn'!
Now my comrade, teeth will start to fall.

Hey, your gums, they feel like they are burning,
like your soul is being ripped apart
On your skin, oh, scales like an iguana.
It brings pain… and scurvy is its name.

Blackened gums and scales like an iguana!
It brings pain, and scurvy is its name.


SCENE 4 – MENGEL'S LAB
- Dr. Mengel
- Dr. Eisenstein
- Giant shark

EI: Where are we now?
MN: My lab.
EI: Oh? Are you sure this isn't some super secret Frankenstein lab?
MN: Nope. It's my plain old lab.
EI: Then what's that?
MN: Oh that's George. He's a shark.
EI: Why is there a shark in your lab?
MN: You really want to know?
EI: No, not reall-
MN: See, human beings, like me, are susceptible to scurvy because we lack an enzyme system responsible for a portion of the biological synthesis for ascorbic acid. But sharks apparently do have this system or something else because sharks. Don't. Get. Sick.
EI: I know, but-
MN: So I'm going to attempt to extract the cure for scurvy from this shark!
EI: Scurvy isn't a disease that needs to be cured. It's a disease that needs to be prevented. After all the detail you've gone through about eating a diet of fresh fruit and vegetables you fail to see your own point?
MN: Absolutely!
EI: All right, I'm out of here. Good bye. (exit stage left)
MN: And that, my friends, is why you should always eat a healthy diet. Happy scurvy awareness day!
*shark pounces on Mengel*

END